In the interest of relating what I can say of the events of yesterday, I have a few of my typical morbid reactions to come along to.
4:40PM Phone calls are placed to my father, a doctor, in the interest of notifying him of a major heart attack on the part of my grandmother.
5:15pm. I finally get a call from the out-of-town parents (some sort of conference in Colorado) telling me to get to the hospital and that there's a major problem.
I reach from this two possible conclusions.
1) That she's okay, but probably still in surgery and my immediate presence won't do very much other than to provide the ER staff with someone who wants answers when they probably don't have any yet.
2) That she's not okay, and that my immediate presence could rush this news forward, but that I will not have anyone to convey it toward owing to everyone in the family already being in transit, or perhaps already being there.
In either case, owing to circumstances, it didn't seem like an immediate presence was called for (I could not get away immediately and it would take a considerable time to get anywhere on a rainy Friday night anyway), and that I would get there when I could, as soon as I could. That took about two hours.
Upon entering the hospital, I confirmed that the second of the two choices was correct from a cursory glance at the faces of the two sets of in-state aunts and uncles (despite what could otherwise be termed as a good humor in the room). I was not surprised at this event. An 80 year old person who smoked for 60 years and was on blood pressure medicine having a sudden and fatal heart attack doesn't seem like a statistically improbable event.
I think it becomes important to understand any distinctions between a lack of shock or surprise and any desire to see something happen. I've long since stopped living with any desire to see things happen around me, and this is only more true when there's nothing I can do to influence the outcome of a situation. I don't regard this as some sort of fatalistic mentality so much as an understanding that things happen. And many of them won't be things I want, and many of the things I do want probably won't occur no matter what I do either (simply because my goals read much like the Judean People's Front world domination quest from Life of Brian and require something like the total dismantlement of the Roman Empire within 3 years). So it requires an ability to prepare and deal with unpleasant things. Even to embrace that they will probably happen and begin analyzing what needs to be done about it, if anything. Which I suppose I have this ability. So what distinguishes this reaction wasn't the lack of shock per se, but more that I had almost zero information relative to anyone else and already arrived at and came to terms with the inevitable conclusion that little information pointed most toward.
This created a more uncomfortable feeling later when I had to explain to my father, who had been on the phone with the cardiologist from the beginning and from talking later that night and this morning already knew what was happening, that his mother had in fact died some hours before. I think he was mentally aware this was going to happen, in much the same way I was, but with a far great professional understanding to back up that sort of instinctual reaction and more than bits and pieces of information on which to exercise that understanding. But when you touch down at an airport several hours later after being out of the loop for all that time and ask over the phone what floor of the hospital someone is on already being told that your called upon representative isn't at the hospital anymore, I think it speaks to a powerful sensation of hope that I'm just not capable of.
It occurs to me that this is perhaps not a good failing for me to have.
03 May 2009
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8 comments:
Gah. Sorry, I read these out of order.
Everyone deals with the realities of life in different ways. I wouldn't even call it a failing, despite generally being a hopeful sort myself. You seem fully aware that many other people react to intense situations very differently, and it's not like you're directly in their face lecturing them that there's a better way.
In some ways, knowing a grandparent is likely to die soonish is helpful, as long as he or she isn't suffering much along the way. But I do think it's different with a parent as well. My dad and his siblings knew Louie wasn't long for this world years ago, but it surely doesn't make not being there any better. One of my aunts actually kind of flipped out on my mom because my parents didn't drive up to help "make arrangements" with the rest of them. My parents were stumped, because his services had been finalized for a decade and a half, probably, being nearly 99. Death in the family just does funny things to people on both sides of the spectrum.
Granted I know nothing of your relationship with your grandmother, but I hope you have many happy memories of her.
They were written out of order. So reading them in order makes for confusion.
There isn't much for me to say beyond the events as they happen. Having been through this a couple times now within my dad's side of the family (my grandfather and my grandmother's sister over the last few years), there isn't really any familial strangeness to report on. The distinction I noticed was a subtle difference in reaction (and preparations) that may have escaped most people.
Of course, whatever necessary arrangements were pretty well setup and taken care of, partly in consequence of recent history. Paid off even. I suspect the whole confusion of "what do we need to do" is taken more at ease once there are already instructions and pre-arranged plans.
I suppose in consideration of things I have it much easier when I have reasonably healthy memories. It's easy for me to look back with some reverence on pleasant moments in life with someone because my expectation as a loner in life is roughly equal to "do not expect any future with anyone". I expect therefore I may need to wait for someone I despise to die before anything weird happens.
Hmmm...are those you despise people you really know on a personal level, or more like public-ish figures...? I suppose the only weirdness might occur would be for those you actually have known. I don't think I've been there, yet. That would be...weird.
Did you ever see the HBO movie "Conspiracy"?
There's a story at the end that's sort of what I'm talking about being "worried" about.
Hm...I don't think so, but I have a very poor memory for movie names. Hint on the story plot?
It's about the secret meeting that kicked off the Holocaust in Germany. In 90 minutes of plain maneuvers, they plot to annihilate the Jewish people using industrial scale methods. (that whole awful mess is where the phrase "banality of evil" comes from, if you've heard of that).
At the end the story that their foreign minister tells the head SS general who conducts the meeting: There's this man who hates his father intensely, and loves his mother. When his mother dies, he does not shed a single tear, he can not do so even. But when his father dies, he weeps uncontrollably, apparently inconsolable. All his life the object of his hatred is now gone. And he doesn't know what to do without that hate, or without anywhere for it to go. He becomes useless without it. (of course, the story is delivered by a Shakespearean actor, and thus very much cooler than my petty relation of it)
The "idea" at the time was that without the Jews around anymore, the Nazis wouldn't know what to do. The idea for me is roughly similar. I haven't yet discovered many positive motivational tools that hold any sway. I'm concerned that my only motivations are composed of some intense negativity.
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